In 2015, a study done by psychologist Arthur Aron explored whether intimacy can be accelerated when two people ask each other certain questions. The study and the work that came from it (most notably an essay by Mandy Len Catron titled To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This) was intended to challenge strangers to ask each other 36 carefully thought out questions. But it got me thinking, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, and so there’s not really a chance of our intimacy being accelerated at this point, but could these 36 questions deepen the intimacy we already have?
My boyfriend, known here (and to my family and friends) as Milk, is super accommodating when it comes to my work life. Alarmingly though, he seemed more eager to pass a bar of soap between our butt cheeks for another article (I know, you’re waiting with breath that is bated) than he was to give this a bash.
Here are screenshots from our initial interaction and I beg you to keep the following in mind:
I know I’m soppy as shit when it comes to him, but I love him and I can’t help it and he’s the best.
‘Rings’ should obviously have been *things
I genuinely would love him no matter what… like unless he killed someone. But even then it would depend on who he killed.
I had never considered that the questions may have the opposite reaction intended, but boo planted the seed and after reading this even I started to worry. Anyway, I arrived at his home, rushed him through dinner and we got comfy on his bed and started the process.
The First Question
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
So Milk was up to answer first, and the poor thing said, ‘You, my love.’ And I was like, ‘Lol lol, cut that shit out immediately and be honest AF. We have dinner together all the time. Who do you actually want?’ and then he said, ‘Elon Musk!’
And I said Paulo Coehlo and once again he and I were reminded that we almost literally have NOTHING in common.
The Nail in the Coffin of Commonalities
The fourth question is ‘What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?’ and good god it’s a damn fine question to ask a relatively long-term couple.
My answer was:
Breakfast buffet -> Sandwiches on the beach-> Reading good book on beach-> Lazy lunch with him, mimosas and best friends-> Dance party with him, best friends and whisky-> sex (with him duh) -> Sleep
Milk’s was:
Breakfast buffet -> A hike up a goddamn mountain -> Coffee on top of mountain -> Nap when he returns from the mountain -> AND THEN he’d like to spend the day either on his own or with some friends developing and coding or ‘creating some cool shit’ -> Lazy, boozy dinner -> Sex (with me, I’d like to believe) -> Sleep
I learnt two things. 1) We have food and sex in common at least, thank god, and 2) My boyfriend is a giant ass geek. Like genuinely, to his core, he’s a motherf*ckin’ nerd.
When it was time to tell each other our life stories in 4 minutes…
He was like, ‘Four minutes is soooo long we’ll run out of stuff to say.’ This was false. We ended up ignoring the timer long after it went off and despite knowing each other really well, we learnt so many new things about each other and it felt very nice and informative and special.
We discussed our best memories and our worst memories…
Again, we learnt new things about each other.
We complimented the crap out of one another…
I like his eyes and he thinks that I’m ‘whimsical.’
We kinda had a conversation about sex without even meaning to and there was no tension or pressure around it..
Question 21 is, ‘What roles do love and affection play in your life?’ and it gently forced us to be totally honest about what our idea of affection is, which led to conversations around foreplay, which led to a conversation around sex. Then we spoke about love languages and rejoiced that we have that in common, too.
We shared our most embarrassing memories..
And I laughed so hard at his that I genuinely couldn’t breathe.
And then we looked each other in the eye for four minutes.
Which was hard, guys. Like really hard. Milk was so cool and relaxed about the whole thing, staring me RIGHT IN THE EYE, and I was so surprised by how difficult it was to let my guard down with him in this way, but then I did. And it felt really freakin’ special and honest.
TBH, I have no desire to ever have this interaction with a near-stranger, but I really really loved doing this with someone I’m already so close with. By the end of it, we both felt really peaceful, couldn’t stop giggling, and ended up chatting about anything and everything we could think of.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much we care for our partner and they care for us, real conversations around real things stop happening. We get so comfortable with each other that we stop getting to know one another. It has always been one of my least favourite things about a relationship- and this activity forces you to talk, laugh, get a little sad, and be brutally honest.
Head here for the full list of questions.
10/10 recommend it for you and yours.
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