Besides breathing, standing, and generally existing
This post contains spoilers for Justice League.
On a scale of Suicide Squad to Wonder Woman, Justice League falls somewhere in the middle — not quite terrible but not exactly thrilling, either. It's delightful to see the dourest Batman of all time forced to interact with balls of joy like Barry Allen and Diana Prince, but the CGI villain Steppenwolf looks too much like a goat to be scary and 'mother box' sounds like something Superman uses to make home-brewed kombucha. Still, if you're a Wonder Woman fan, there is plenty in Justice League to make it worth your while. I don't want to say she's the only reason you should see it — Ezra Miller is hilarious as the Flash and Jason Momoa's pectoral muscles exist — but she's certainly the best reason to see it. Here, a complete list of the greatest things Wonder Woman does in Justice League.
1. Stands on top of the Lady Justice statue in London. It should be noted that this is how Diana enters the movie — standing atop an iconic statue that is itself atop an iconic building. Never let it be said that this woman does anything halfway.
She certainly knows how to make an entrance.
2. Lassos a man with the Lasso of Hestia. This far from the last time Diana will lasso a man in Justice League, but it's thrilling to see her back in action after the long wait between the June release of Wonder Woman and the November release of this movie. Side note: Where can I take lasso lessons?
3. Blows open some doors. Fuck doorknobs.
4. Dodges a bullet. Again, not the last time she'll do it on this two-hour journey, but always a rush.
5. Throws a bomb through a roof. What else could she have done with it? This was clearly the most logical solution.
6. Blocks an entire line of bullets aimed at innocent bystanders. Please note that this and numbers one through five all occur within the first ten minutes.
7. Touches up a statue. When she's not lassoing wrongdoers, blocking bullets with her magic bracelets, or slicing up stuff with her sword, Diana works as some sort of antiquities specialist at a museum. She's probably great at her job because she's Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman is good at everything, but also, how many men would you lasso if you could look this good at the office every day of your life?
8. Explains the concept of Steppenwolf to Bruce Wayne. If Bruce Wayne is going to be the only person in the Justice League without any superpowers, the least he could do is read up on his villain history so he's got something to bring to the table besides money. But no, Diana just has to do everything around here. Being a gentlewoman and a scholar, Diana knows everything there is to know about the horned villain who's about to unite his mother boxes (she also knows what mother boxes are), so she shares that knowledge with Bruce in service of his big plans for uniting the world's superheroes. She should honestly write this off as a charitable tax donation.
9. Gchats with Cyborg. Fine, it's not technically Gchatting, but it doesn't matter because she's the only person on the team capable of convincing Victor that he should really come check out the League.
10. Goes to a meeting with Commissioner Gordon. You can tell he wishes she was his main vigilante contact.
11. Jumps a bridge. As you do.
12. Sasses Steppenwolf. I don't fully understand what Steppenwolf's whole deal is, but I think it's something like 'he's an ancient hell beast bent on vengeance.' This does not scare Diana at all, however, and at one point she looks him in the eye and says, 'You overestimate yourself.' Do you need some ice for that burn, Steppenwolf?
13. Does the bracelet thing. It was very difficult to not stand up and cheer every time she did the bracelet thing, but I managed to restrain myself.
14. Punches Bruce Wayne right in his dumb stomach. He's had it coming since Batman v Superman.
15. Busts the Superman statue with her sword. Jon Snow wishes Valyrian steel could accomplish such feats.
16. LASSOS SUPERMAN. She did that.
17. Head-butts Superman. He also had it coming since Batman v Superman because he died in that one.
18. Sharpens her sword. RT if you would watch two hours of just Diana Prince sharpening her sword.
19. Relocates Bruce Wayne's shoulder. While I personally would have left Bruce Wayne's shoulder dislocated so that he would have to live in maximum pain, Diana is a better woman than I am and believes in popping your friends' shoulders back in after fights with super-villains.
20. Drinks whiskey. It's five o'clock somewhere in Themyscira.
21. Gently mocks Aquaman. In one of the funniest parts of the movie, Aquaman unknowingly sits on the Lasso of Hestia, which forces him to start confessing how much he actually kind of likes being in the Justice League. 'I think that was beautiful,' Diana says, and it doesn't even seem like she's being sarcastic. This just proves that we would all be nicer if we were raised on islands devoid of men.
22. Takes the motherfucking lead! Throughout Justice League, Bruce Wayne keeps giving Diana shit about the fact that she's mostly flown under the radar since her big World War I battle with Ares. At first Diana is rightfully like, 'Shut up, Bruce, everyones hate you and you don't even have any superpowers,' but then she realises that she's the only person on the team with any leadership skills and so tells them all what to do during the climactic battle. And you know what happens? They win.
23. Lassos Steppenwolf. No man or beast is safe from the Lasso of Hestia.
24. Saves Aquaman. Aquaman's muscles are a treasure, so Diana has truly done everyone a great service by rescuing him from the jaws of death.
25. Does the bracelet thing again. It cannot be overstated how cool the bracelet thing is.
26. Calls the rest of her teammates children. She's not wrong!
27. Chops Steppenwolf's axe into pieces. Compared to the Sword of Athena, everybody else's weapons may as well be Nerf guns.
28. Stops crime at the British Museum. See, Bruce? She does help people besides Steve Trevor! Go back to your stupid cave and don't come out till Diana says you can.
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